Saturday, May 30, 2009

Today's Name: Mmmm good sleep and fun bowling

Last night I had a great time with my best friend Jai. We went bowling and fell over laughing, literally in her case! I had a really good time and it was needed! We always seem to have such a good time together.

Today's Quote:
Lack of activity destroys the good condition of every human being, while movement and methodical physical exercise save it and preserve it. - Plato

Journal Juju:
What does it mean to "find the breath within the breath" in yoga, meditation, or just in general.
I try to do yoga on a regular basis. I find I am rushed most the time though and don't take the slow movement of breathing. I find I can only really focus on breathing and meditation when I am in nature. I think in a few weeks when I am down at the lake I will try doing yoga outside. With no one watching! It's so hard to find or take the time to exercise as much as I would like. I really want to learn to jog. That sentence doesn't really make the most sense because we all know how to run, or jog. We grow up running and playing. When does it become something we need to learn again? So much stigma comes with trying something new for me sometimes. How I will look, be judged, feel. It stops me from doing it. We will see if it changes.

Last night a brief conversation came up about guilt. Is it a good emotion or reaction to have? I think it is good when you feel guilty for something. In some ways. It is an emotional compass. However there are thing that I feel guilty for which I do not think are productive. About being a good wife or mother, about working or not working, about not doing enough sometimes. I am very judgmental of myself at times.

On another note a wonderful women who I had the honor of meeting several times passed away several weeks ago which is a very sad thing! Her name was Marion Lord and she was a women of grace and humor and wit. She will be greatly missed.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Today's Name: Thank the Gods it's Friday!

Today's Quote(s):
Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth. - John F. Kennedy

Don't let anyone tell you that you have to be a certain way. Be unique. Be what you feel. - Melissa Etheridge

Toast of the Day:
Here's to finding your own unique approach, identity or style.

Journal Juju:
G.K. Chesterton said, "The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost." Three things I would potentially lose...
When I think of things that could be loss I tend to be drawn to people that could be loss more then anything. About my father getting older and having the relationship I want with him. About my brother and sister who I wish I was closer to. About my children and wanting them to be healthy and strong and wonderful people. About my husband who I love and could not imagine a life without. My friends who though I know I am not always the best friend I love each of them and they are rooted in me. Even my in-laws who I could not imagine my life without. I remember a time when I could not stand my brother in law Steve. We just couldn't seem to communicate. I see him now as another rooted part of myself. I would like to think that I love each of these people and that they know that.

Today I get to: Have the afternoon without the kids and to spend some time on myself. Like taking a shower, doing some art, running some errands without them!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Today's Name: Wishing it was Friday but it's only Thursday Day.

Today I get to take Jack to the doctor for his one year appointment. Which involves needles, Yea! And I get to get my prescription filled and get checked out briefly.

Today's Quote:
I think it is impossible to explain faith. It is like trying to explain air, which one cannot do by dividing it into its component parts and labeling them scientifically. It must be breathed to be understood. - Patrick White

Tonight my homework is to make a work of art or collage with the same title of Three Uneasy Pieces. I will try to do this and post it here. I need to list 28 possible art work titles. Not that I have to worry about doing them, but I should try to list the names....

1. Interior (The Soul)
2. Exterior (The Body)
3. Structure (The Mind)
4. Yellow House
5. City Streets
6. Barn
7. Water meets the Sun
8. Self Portrait
9. Children s Portrait
10. Why 28?
11. Flowers of Joy
12. Sadness
13. Movement
14. Stillness
15. open
16. Closed
17. Inspire
18. Create
19. Who we are
20. Follow
21. Express
22. Motherhood
23. Wife
24. Expectations
25. My own
26. Transparent
27. Moods
28. Twenty Eight

Journal Juju:
"Filled with faith I...." take each day as it comes. I deal with the kids, with the responsibility, the choices, the love. I take each step as I need to and move forward. You can't move back easily. I try to make the best choices I can. Though sometimes it's hard to know what is right. How can you make a choice when your torn. Every time I visit with my family I want to move back to Salem. I miss them. I wonder what my children miss, what I miss. My family can be dramatic at times. Everyone plays their part and we aren't all in sync yet. I wonder sometimes if that is because I am not there to play mine. Then I see the friends here, the family which I have come to think of as part of my own. I wish there was not 2,000 miles between my families. It makes it very hard to find a way to merge the two. How do you make the choice? How do you have faith? How do you know when you are not where you should be? Will I regret not spending more time with my family? With my aging parents? I want my kids to know them. But then I take away another part of their family by doing so. There is not a right answer. There only is.

I hope I can find inspiration today.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Today's Name: Clean House Day?

Maybe it will be clean house day. When the kids are both sleeping and I can vacuum for the last time today (That would be time number...eight maybe). Good news is that the Blue Jays are winning again finally!

Daily Soul Vitamin:
Those who dwell among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are never alone or weary of life. - Rachel Carson

This quote makes me feel at home with the rain, and makes me want to walk along quiet beaches barefoot. I miss the beach, the wind, and the mountains.

Toast of the Day:
Here's to standing at the edge of the sea feeling the knowledge of the earthly eternal.

Almost every memory I have of feeling truly connected involves the earth. Sitting on a beach, hiking in the woods, camping. My favorite memory is of my last camping trip to Algonquin Park. My in-laws and significant others went on a hiking/canoeing trip. It was wondering. The longest portage (which was over 2 KM) was a hard hike. Harder for those that had canoes on their heads mind you. When I finally reached the end, we zig-zagged our way through a mash, and climbed a large hill. The hill it turned out was an abadonned rail road track. At we reached the top, there was the lake, and the cool wind hit us. Which was a wonderful change from the 90+ degree's and all the sweat dripping off of us. We sat on the bank of sand for a while and just took in the beautiful long lake and suroundings. There is something about that very moment when you realized where you were, and how every part of you felt that I felt connected to everything. I saw the whole picture, I felt it. I really want to go back there.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Today's Name: Strawberry Pancake Day

I made the best Strawberry Pancakes with Whipped Cream for lunch today. It made the whole day better.

Daily Soul Vitamin:
As one gets older one sees many more paths that could be taken. Artist sense within their own work that kind of swelling of possibilities, which may seem a freedom or a confusion. - Jasper Johns
(Sometimes it feels like I only see this when looking back, not looking forward.)

Journal Juju:

"....We're not in Kansas anymore,".... I'm not young in some ways anymore. I'm past the age of being a teen, of being things I once saw myself as. I was a sexy, hot, attractive, women. Not that I am still not some of those things. It's just when I married my husband I was in a place that I was like the sex pot. I was flirty and a sex kitten as it was. I found salvation in my sexuality. When did that stop? Even when I am horny I have to talk myself into having sex. Before I would jump at the chance. I am at an age where I can't be the youngest. I can't be the single girl (Both because I am married and have kids and that I am just not that person). I can't be the freshmen. I've done all my firsts. First Kiss, Sex, Marriage, Kids, House. OK so I haven't taken my first trip abroad. But really that isn't going to happen any time soon.

In terms of places I no longer want to be.... I don't want to be in dept. I don't want the stress of never feeling like enough. I want a life that I can be creative and funny and light heart-ed and I've lost connection with that part of me. That is what I miss the most. My light heart. When did it get so heavy? I haven't painted in months. I haven't done anything artistic in months. I am envious of an artist I recently was introduced to. How nice to have a living made by doing something creative. I was taken aback by my own feelings towards her. She didn't do anything wrong. She just does what I wish I could. Instead of being the inquisitive supportive women I hoped I would be I felt resentment and depression. I think I need some changes.

My Mom and Sister are coming tomorrow! I miss them so much! I can't wait!


Life can get so slow sometimes. And yet so fast. I think I realized one of my many hangups or problems is that I don't have a plan, or goal, or direction in some ways. I stay at home with my kids. When they go to school what will I do? Meh? I have no clue. I didn't go to college, didn't have any great career before having kids, didn't have a focus. I am scared to death of the idea of not moving forward but at the same time I think that is just what I am doing.

How do you find your focus and figure out a way to make it happen? How do you find what you love and make it work? When do you find the energy to be that person? That person you see yourself being but aren't yet? Lots of questions but no answers.

Things I love:
Interior Design

Things I don't like:
Everything about my last job
Not being enough

Any ideas?