Me with No Fear....

I think fear holds me back quite a bit. Fear of being judged, of disappointing others, of being a 'bad' mother, of being a 'bad' spouse, etc. I tend to put everyone first but myself. So part of the idea of living without fear would be to put myself first. I think I would live abroad, I would living the country and enjoy a slower pace, I would tell people what I think and not internalize so much. I could create art full of expression and no fears of what others think of it. I could paint the walls in my house whatever color I want. I think I would have a room that is Pink, and one green, and one blue, and one orange. I would be the one that people would be drawn to visit and be part of my life instead of the other way around. I would stand tall and dress how I want and have crazy hair if I felt like it. I would be free of the barriers I allowed myself to put up and I let society tell me I should. I would write more, dance more, play more. I would travel, see all the things I dream about seeing... Egypt, England, Scotland.... I would learn to rock climb, I would take classes for the hell of it to learn more. I would get a degree. I would get a job. It is amazing how much fear drives us either to something or from it.

Free-Type

In high school I had a writing class and a teacher who had us write anything for like ten minutes of a day to just get things out. Today I have been stuck on David Tennant. I have repetitive dreams about him. In different roles, sometimes playing characters, sometimes not. I find his acting extremely wonderful. He has hamlet coming out on BBC on the 26th of Dec and I saw a clip of one of his monologues. I like Shakespeare, but there is something about his acting that just took it to another level for me. Something that I think has been missing on and off. I used to write poetry, once upon a time. I can barely even remember how I did that or how I put myself out there like that. For me being a Leo I don't always like to be in the spot light. Yet I do like positive attention. I guess I am a mix of my mental necroses and background. Here is to not passing all of those traits onto my children. Trying to find the time to listen to my own mind is not easy. Right now Liam is bugging me to use the computer and Jack is watching cartoons. She house is a mess and my Mom comes tomorrow. And yet my mind keeps going back to my dreams last night. Something between Dr. Who and Hamlet. I feel like there were hints of some romance in it but I can't pinpoint it. Maybe it's just that there is something charismatic about the characters and the actor. Who knows! I wouldn't mind diving into that world occasionaly...

The Sky Is Falling

Once a month the sky falls on my head, I come to, and I see another movie I want to make. - Steven Spielberg

I think if the sky fell on me I might wake up in either a star-trek based universe or middle earth based universe. Funny how I am torn between the two. In the star-trek universe everyone is equals, you have no need that is lost in the mundane existence of everyday life. You have the career you want, you can help others, you can be part of something creates something bigger then yourself. In a middle earth type world, things are more basic. Yes there is war and I am sure poverty, but there is also magic, and more harmony with the things around you. A slower pace as it were.

I don't take the time to slow down very often. I am almost always going, thinking, doing. Though some days more in my head then others.


I wish I had the power to change lives for the better.
The resources to make anything possible.
And the heart to stick to it.

the crazy's made me do it!

So Monday has just started. I really dislike Monday's. I should put that on my list of things to work on. What are good things about Monday's? I will have to think about it.

Journal Juju-
"We should feel sorrow, but not sink under its oppression." Confucius.

To me this is an obvious quote in it's meaning, as someone who has delt with depression in many different forms over the years it can overtake you and submerse your in a haze of darkness if you let it. It can colour your ever choice and view. I guess the key is not to let it get that bad.

I am enjoying the fall rain right now. Reminds me of a good Oregon day.

I'm with Marshmallow.....

Today I am fairly certain I've lost my mind once again! But in a good way! I can laugh about it!

So I was trying to find a lid to a sippy cup in the upper cabinet which is the hidden location of the mini colored marshmallows! So they all come tumbling down on me and I am swarmed by the little marshmallow monsters! They gobble up the poor fallen marshmallow heroes by the handful! Yelling "MARSHMALGrummblegrummblegrummblefullmouthLLLOOOOOOOWSSSSSS!" Now I have two very happy hyper monsters on my hands. I think they should dress up as Marshmallows for Halloween. Can't you see it now.... Rainbow wig on, big puffy outfits, and written on their shirts, I'm with Marshmallow and an arrow pointing to the other!

So anyways! It's been a while since I've written, I am going to try to do better at that.

Today's Toast of the day!
Here's to feeling like 'a wet seed wild in the hot blind earth.' (William Faulkner)

It's the day William Faulkner was born! (In 1897)

It's also Barbra Walters Birthday too! (Born 1931)

Journal Juju:
Barbara Walters said, "To feel valued, to know, even if only once in a while, that you can do a job well is an absolutely marvelous feeling." I am trying to recall times in which I have felt or feel valued. Being a stay at home mom I have to admit that there is usually more times then not that I don't feel valued. At least compared to when I was working full time. My check made me feel valued every month, my co-workers made me feel valued. I really liked to make people smile. I was always the one bringing in cookies or treats for the guys (And girls if there had been any!). I feel valued when I do something I can see makes a difference to the people around me. When I know the hard work I put into my day makes life easier for others. Though I am in a fairly good space at the moment and I feel valued knowing my children can't put socks on their own hands without me! And then I wouldn't have cute-little-one-handed-sock-marshmallow-monsters around me!

I am making a point of trying to be in the moment as much as possible. Which is not always an easy thing to do. But it's like riding a roller-coaster. Be in the moment, breath, and let out a good yell every once and a while.

Today's Name: Semi Friday!

Though it's only Tuesday, Chris has tomorrow off for Canada Day and that means I have a day off for Canada day! It means I get to sleep in, and not be the only one responsible for the kids! Can you tell I am excited about it?

Yesterday was spent dealing with a sick Liam. He ended up running a fever (at it's highest 103.2 f) and tossing his cookies several times. He seems to be better today but that was hectic. Jack is now fighting going down for a nap though he is totally warn out. Some weeks just don't start out the best. I am happy to just have gotten some of my baking done that I wanted to. Used all the sugar which now that I think of it isn't a good thing in some ways. Oh well!

Today's Journal Juju should be based on this: "Don't be afraid to feel as angry or as loving as you can, because when you feel nothing, it's just death." (Lena Horne) I am assigned the mission of letting my feelings amplify and let it out in my journal. I don't know if I am ready to face that. I think I have been feeling a lot of different emotions as of late. Many that circle around figuring out what I want. I mean...when I tell people what I do, it's that I am a stay at home mom. Which yes is wondering and such but then I am asked what will I do when my kids go to school. Like I have any clue?! My mother in law thinks I have a talent for interior design which is nice to hear but not so easy to get into. I used to be good at helping people, I haven't in a long time. Not that it is a bad thing, I put myself out there a little too much sometimes in the past. I am tempted to say -used- to be creative and artistic. I am know I still am in some ways.... I just haven't tapped into it for a while. I feel disconnected. Lately I have been playing Sim's 3. Which I can't say is the best way to escape reality. Lets make up a pretend family (that somehow happens to be how I wish mine was a little more) and then make them do all the things you wish you actually did! Coming back from that can be a downer. I know I get caught up in the daily grind of things. That the house overwhelms me some days, the cleaning, the cooking if I do it, the bills, the kids, the toys, the expectations. Of course I always ask myself where the expectations come from. That I can't always tell. Is it just what I think people expect of me or is it actually what people expect from me? The always internal question of "Am I enough?".

As I get to the end of June in my handy dandy book of ideas and insights into life... I come across this...

It's halfway though the year, take a moment to reflect and answer these questions.

What were your highlights?
Having my Mom and Sister visit. My family doesn't come this way very often. It's nice to have them see how I live.

What things are you glad you did?
Glad we re-did the kitchen, glad I got my drivers licence...

What worked for you?
Don't know per say...

What small moments brought you delight?
Anything with the kids. Them playing so well together, smiling, getting their teeth (Jack mostly since Liam has his).

What made you laugh?
Liam and Jack tend to make me laugh a lot. Chris too.


Who did you connect with?
Jaimie and girls of the women's group. I think that has been the best thing to happen to me so far this year. I enjoy spending time with all of them. It has brought me great pleasure and unexpected benefits.

Where did you leave your glasses?
The reading ones who knows! I know where my beautiful new sassy glasses are though!

And these questions are for the rest of the year:
In what small way can I pay attention to small delights?
Maybe it's not small, but to try to be more active in the moment. I disconnect sometimes.

How can I be a little kinder to myself?
I need to work on this... how is another question.

Can I give myself permission to have more fun and less pressure?
I hope I can.

How can I remember to sing in the shower?
I already do some days.

Name Today: I got the morning and afternoon off today!

A friend of mine took Liam to Chuck-e-Cheese today! And Jack is down for a nap! I get the morning in quiet time! And Chris gets off work at 2 today and should be home by 3. It is so nice to know today is Friday and the house isn't horrible.

Quote:
From birth, man carries the weight of gravity on his shoulders. He is bolted to earth. But man has only to sink beneath the surface and he is free. -Jacques Cousteau

Juju:
Cousteau said, "A lot of people attack the sea, I make love to it." I love the sea. Many of my childhood memories revolve around the sea. I was born in California and remember trips to the marina near my grandmothers house. We would ride the merry go round and get fruit sliced candy. We moved then to Oregon, to a small dairy town on the coast. I remember the beaches and drives up and down the coast line. I remember a Chinese restaurant near a bend in the road with the best egg noddle soup. I remember a story about a town that existed a long time ago that washed into the ocean. Taken back as some say. I also remember the trips to Hawaii. The smell of the salt, the warmth, the smell of honey suckle in the air. The way the water felt. So warm. My first visit to the Atlantic ocean. I was with my Dad, visiting where he grew up. It is very special to me. The waves always feel like calmness washing over me. I see myself as an old women living in a farm house near the sea. Where you can hear it and feel it every day. I think everyone should live that dream.