Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Me with No Fear....

I think fear holds me back quite a bit. Fear of being judged, of disappointing others, of being a 'bad' mother, of being a 'bad' spouse, etc. I tend to put everyone first but myself. So part of the idea of living without fear would be to put myself first. I think I would live abroad, I would living the country and enjoy a slower pace, I would tell people what I think and not internalize so much. I could create art full of expression and no fears of what others think of it. I could paint the walls in my house whatever color I want. I think I would have a room that is Pink, and one green, and one blue, and one orange. I would be the one that people would be drawn to visit and be part of my life instead of the other way around. I would stand tall and dress how I want and have crazy hair if I felt like it. I would be free of the barriers I allowed myself to put up and I let society tell me I should. I would write more, dance more, play more. I would travel, see all the things I dream about seeing... Egypt, England, Scotland.... I would learn to rock climb, I would take classes for the hell of it to learn more. I would get a degree. I would get a job. It is amazing how much fear drives us either to something or from it.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


In high school I had a writing class and a teacher who had us write anything for like ten minutes of a day to just get things out. Today I have been stuck on David Tennant. I have repetitive dreams about him. In different roles, sometimes playing characters, sometimes not. I find his acting extremely wonderful. He has hamlet coming out on BBC on the 26th of Dec and I saw a clip of one of his monologues. I like Shakespeare, but there is something about his acting that just took it to another level for me. Something that I think has been missing on and off. I used to write poetry, once upon a time. I can barely even remember how I did that or how I put myself out there like that. For me being a Leo I don't always like to be in the spot light. Yet I do like positive attention. I guess I am a mix of my mental necroses and background. Here is to not passing all of those traits onto my children. Trying to find the time to listen to my own mind is not easy. Right now Liam is bugging me to use the computer and Jack is watching cartoons. She house is a mess and my Mom comes tomorrow. And yet my mind keeps going back to my dreams last night. Something between Dr. Who and Hamlet. I feel like there were hints of some romance in it but I can't pinpoint it. Maybe it's just that there is something charismatic about the characters and the actor. Who knows! I wouldn't mind diving into that world occasionaly...

Friday, December 18, 2009

The Sky Is Falling

Once a month the sky falls on my head, I come to, and I see another movie I want to make. - Steven Spielberg

I think if the sky fell on me I might wake up in either a star-trek based universe or middle earth based universe. Funny how I am torn between the two. In the star-trek universe everyone is equals, you have no need that is lost in the mundane existence of everyday life. You have the career you want, you can help others, you can be part of something creates something bigger then yourself. In a middle earth type world, things are more basic. Yes there is war and I am sure poverty, but there is also magic, and more harmony with the things around you. A slower pace as it were.

I don't take the time to slow down very often. I am almost always going, thinking, doing. Though some days more in my head then others.

I wish I had the power to change lives for the better.
The resources to make anything possible.
And the heart to stick to it.