Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Today's Name: Semi Friday!

Though it's only Tuesday, Chris has tomorrow off for Canada Day and that means I have a day off for Canada day! It means I get to sleep in, and not be the only one responsible for the kids! Can you tell I am excited about it?

Yesterday was spent dealing with a sick Liam. He ended up running a fever (at it's highest 103.2 f) and tossing his cookies several times. He seems to be better today but that was hectic. Jack is now fighting going down for a nap though he is totally warn out. Some weeks just don't start out the best. I am happy to just have gotten some of my baking done that I wanted to. Used all the sugar which now that I think of it isn't a good thing in some ways. Oh well!

Today's Journal Juju should be based on this: "Don't be afraid to feel as angry or as loving as you can, because when you feel nothing, it's just death." (Lena Horne) I am assigned the mission of letting my feelings amplify and let it out in my journal. I don't know if I am ready to face that. I think I have been feeling a lot of different emotions as of late. Many that circle around figuring out what I want. I mean...when I tell people what I do, it's that I am a stay at home mom. Which yes is wondering and such but then I am asked what will I do when my kids go to school. Like I have any clue?! My mother in law thinks I have a talent for interior design which is nice to hear but not so easy to get into. I used to be good at helping people, I haven't in a long time. Not that it is a bad thing, I put myself out there a little too much sometimes in the past. I am tempted to say -used- to be creative and artistic. I am know I still am in some ways.... I just haven't tapped into it for a while. I feel disconnected. Lately I have been playing Sim's 3. Which I can't say is the best way to escape reality. Lets make up a pretend family (that somehow happens to be how I wish mine was a little more) and then make them do all the things you wish you actually did! Coming back from that can be a downer. I know I get caught up in the daily grind of things. That the house overwhelms me some days, the cleaning, the cooking if I do it, the bills, the kids, the toys, the expectations. Of course I always ask myself where the expectations come from. That I can't always tell. Is it just what I think people expect of me or is it actually what people expect from me? The always internal question of "Am I enough?".

As I get to the end of June in my handy dandy book of ideas and insights into life... I come across this...

It's halfway though the year, take a moment to reflect and answer these questions.

What were your highlights?
Having my Mom and Sister visit. My family doesn't come this way very often. It's nice to have them see how I live.

What things are you glad you did?
Glad we re-did the kitchen, glad I got my drivers licence...

What worked for you?
Don't know per say...

What small moments brought you delight?
Anything with the kids. Them playing so well together, smiling, getting their teeth (Jack mostly since Liam has his).

What made you laugh?
Liam and Jack tend to make me laugh a lot. Chris too.

Who did you connect with?
Jaimie and girls of the women's group. I think that has been the best thing to happen to me so far this year. I enjoy spending time with all of them. It has brought me great pleasure and unexpected benefits.

Where did you leave your glasses?
The reading ones who knows! I know where my beautiful new sassy glasses are though!

And these questions are for the rest of the year:
In what small way can I pay attention to small delights?
Maybe it's not small, but to try to be more active in the moment. I disconnect sometimes.

How can I be a little kinder to myself?
I need to work on this... how is another question.

Can I give myself permission to have more fun and less pressure?
I hope I can.

How can I remember to sing in the shower?
I already do some days.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Name Today: I got the morning and afternoon off today!

A friend of mine took Liam to Chuck-e-Cheese today! And Jack is down for a nap! I get the morning in quiet time! And Chris gets off work at 2 today and should be home by 3. It is so nice to know today is Friday and the house isn't horrible.

From birth, man carries the weight of gravity on his shoulders. He is bolted to earth. But man has only to sink beneath the surface and he is free. -Jacques Cousteau

Cousteau said, "A lot of people attack the sea, I make love to it." I love the sea. Many of my childhood memories revolve around the sea. I was born in California and remember trips to the marina near my grandmothers house. We would ride the merry go round and get fruit sliced candy. We moved then to Oregon, to a small dairy town on the coast. I remember the beaches and drives up and down the coast line. I remember a Chinese restaurant near a bend in the road with the best egg noddle soup. I remember a story about a town that existed a long time ago that washed into the ocean. Taken back as some say. I also remember the trips to Hawaii. The smell of the salt, the warmth, the smell of honey suckle in the air. The way the water felt. So warm. My first visit to the Atlantic ocean. I was with my Dad, visiting where he grew up. It is very special to me. The waves always feel like calmness washing over me. I see myself as an old women living in a farm house near the sea. Where you can hear it and feel it every day. I think everyone should live that dream.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Today's Name: Eyes Wide Open

Today's Quote:
I shut my eyes in order to see. -Paul Gauguin

Today I got to: Go to the zoo with the kids, and in-laws.

"The best of all possible worlds..." would be colorful for one. Would be like a cool breeze off the water on a warm day. A surprise but a welcome one. It would be opportunities, compassion, the ability to see the differences and being ok with them. Drumming music (African dance beat), warm baked cookies (Mainly the smell filling the space) or even better fresh bread, soft cotton robes, sand under my feet, a fire crackling, the sound of nature (whether that be rain, wind, waves, the birds, or crickets). laughing, smiling, joyous.

I was going to write about somethings that I realised today about my shopping behaviors and such but I am not in that space right now. So maybe tomorrow. I want to be in the space listed above. Jaimie asked what I wanted for my birthday, maybe that.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Today's Name: Cleaning the Soul

Follow your inner moonlight; don't hide the madness. -Allen Ginsberg

Raoul Dufy said, "My eyes were made to erase all that is ugly." When looking at my life I see how I used to be more like that. When I was younger... like thirteen or fourteen I was into some dark stuff. I was depressed, suicidal at times, but a bright person to others. I used to go into a mIRC channel called #Suicide and I was the upbeat one. I could comfort and support others. Others who were deaply damaged and needed a friend. I would always be the one to chear up others and try to help in any way I could. My parents wrote in my senior year book that I should always remember I have the ability to make a difference to people's lives and to never forget that. I think I did for a while. I get caught up with the daily crap that I forget the big picture. Lately I've been overwelmed by the cleaning and cooking (Or lack there of). I feel like it's on me. My kids drive me nuts some days and I know that's ok. But other times it's not. I am a little lost in the sea of things.

Jaimie called me last night and wanted me to know that I am one of her best friends and that she is very glad I am part of her life. I was touched because I don't really have friends. I mean I do. But not close ones. Jaimie I could and would tell anything to. To me she is my best friend. She is an open, adventureous, couragous person, with a huge heart. I hope she see's some of the same qualities in me. Her friendship alone makes me want to stay in the area and not move far away. She's that kind of friend to me.

Both kids are sleeping at the same time...no screaming involved in the mater. The silence is beautiful.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Today's Name: It's only Tuesday... Crap!

(Pictures are of my two boys, Jack on his Birthday and Liam at the zoo last month)

My kids are at a hard passage. Liam my almost three year old is good most the time. However he wants to do more physical things with his younger brother Jack. Jack who just turned one had been fairly grumpy since his shots last week and now wants to climb everything! The dinning room chairs, the coffee table, everything. Then he falls off them or Liam pushes him. Great fun. Thus the title today!

Today's Quote:
Confusion is the welcome mat at the door of creativity. - Michael J. Gelb

Inner Message Potion:
Think- "I'm doing better than I thought."

I wanted to do that before I did the journal which is....
"You're enough..." most days. I want to say every day but I don't feel like that. It totally maters on the day and how I am feeling. Today I moved my collections cabinet to the family room so I could enjoy it. I did laundry so I might have clothes to wear. I fed the kids real meals at the dinning room table. I am going to take a shower before bed. Though my hair will be a huge mess tomorrow. Every day I try to do something productive. Sometimes more then one thing. I miss work sometimes. OK, a lot of the time. I think it would be different if I was paid to do the things I do. There is something about knowing what you are doing helps pay the bills every month or helps with your lifestyle that makes such a difference. So here is to being enough, doing enough, feeling enough... and maybe getting paid for it too?