Wrote this Yesterday, didn't have internet.

January 4, 2010

Here is to having a fresh view take you by surprise.

This morning I woke up after what I would say was less sleep then I had intended and had a very productive morning. I took my pills, made oatmeal for the boys and myself, got everyone dressed, took the boys to the market while Chris was sick, got home, put away everything from the market, put Jack down for a nap, started making lists of things to organize in the basement, made lunch, emptied the garbage in the kitchen, emptied the litter box, refilled the littler box, fed the cats hard and soft food, cleaned up from lunch, did two loads of laundry, watched a rerun of charmed, had a cup of tea, played several hands of medium difficulty spider solitaire badly, and now I am writing this. Of course while I was playing cards badly my mind kept drifting to different universes. Dr. Who, Torchwood, Star Trek, and then just other places in the world… England, Scotland, Egypt, Rome, Italy. I was playing SIM’s last night and I wondered at what point did playing a computer game that took me to Egypt become the replacement for actually wanting to go to Egypt. Not that I don’t want to go, but at some point in time instead of planning the trip I always wanted to go on, I settled for the virtual version. I wonder if this is what the talk about happening when you have a family. Is it that you settle? Is it that I am settling? I am not sure that I am but lately I have been drawn away from the things that I had been drawn to. I am sure none of this is making any sense but that is what a blog no one reads is for anyways.

When I was a child I wanted to be an archaeologist. What isn’t to love about that? Digging in hot places searching for things never found or missing for hundreds of years? I loved history, and writing, and the unknown. Some part of me still does but then the little critics surface and say, “you can’t do that, or be that, you aren’t smart enough, or have enough time, who are you kidding?” I am also artistic, not that I would ever call myself an artist. I think you have to make something someone is willing to purchase from you in order to call yourself that. I feel like I have a million hobbies all of which I do ‘OK’. I don’t think that there is any one thing that I am really good at, or that I could say is my calling. My husband has always been into computers, so that is what he went into. Sure, he didn’t know what part he wanted to work with but he found what he liked. What do I like? What am I willing to settle for? What am I willing to work hard on? How can I pay for anything, like school, or anything else? Where do I want to live? In almost every dream reality I seem to have I live in England or Scotland. There seems to be some deep-rooted bond in my subconscious to there. Which is funny because I’ve never left North America. Am I a strong person? Am I someone who goes for what they want? Will I always be in the shadows or will I step into the light? 2010 is a new year and I hope to be in a different place when 2011 arrives.