Me with No Fear....

I think fear holds me back quite a bit. Fear of being judged, of disappointing others, of being a 'bad' mother, of being a 'bad' spouse, etc. I tend to put everyone first but myself. So part of the idea of living without fear would be to put myself first. I think I would live abroad, I would living the country and enjoy a slower pace, I would tell people what I think and not internalize so much. I could create art full of expression and no fears of what others think of it. I could paint the walls in my house whatever color I want. I think I would have a room that is Pink, and one green, and one blue, and one orange. I would be the one that people would be drawn to visit and be part of my life instead of the other way around. I would stand tall and dress how I want and have crazy hair if I felt like it. I would be free of the barriers I allowed myself to put up and I let society tell me I should. I would write more, dance more, play more. I would travel, see all the things I dream about seeing... Egypt, England, Scotland.... I would learn to rock climb, I would take classes for the hell of it to learn more. I would get a degree. I would get a job. It is amazing how much fear drives us either to something or from it.

Free-Type

In high school I had a writing class and a teacher who had us write anything for like ten minutes of a day to just get things out. Today I have been stuck on David Tennant. I have repetitive dreams about him. In different roles, sometimes playing characters, sometimes not. I find his acting extremely wonderful. He has hamlet coming out on BBC on the 26th of Dec and I saw a clip of one of his monologues. I like Shakespeare, but there is something about his acting that just took it to another level for me. Something that I think has been missing on and off. I used to write poetry, once upon a time. I can barely even remember how I did that or how I put myself out there like that. For me being a Leo I don't always like to be in the spot light. Yet I do like positive attention. I guess I am a mix of my mental necroses and background. Here is to not passing all of those traits onto my children. Trying to find the time to listen to my own mind is not easy. Right now Liam is bugging me to use the computer and Jack is watching cartoons. She house is a mess and my Mom comes tomorrow. And yet my mind keeps going back to my dreams last night. Something between Dr. Who and Hamlet. I feel like there were hints of some romance in it but I can't pinpoint it. Maybe it's just that there is something charismatic about the characters and the actor. Who knows! I wouldn't mind diving into that world occasionaly...

The Sky Is Falling

Once a month the sky falls on my head, I come to, and I see another movie I want to make. - Steven Spielberg

I think if the sky fell on me I might wake up in either a star-trek based universe or middle earth based universe. Funny how I am torn between the two. In the star-trek universe everyone is equals, you have no need that is lost in the mundane existence of everyday life. You have the career you want, you can help others, you can be part of something creates something bigger then yourself. In a middle earth type world, things are more basic. Yes there is war and I am sure poverty, but there is also magic, and more harmony with the things around you. A slower pace as it were.

I don't take the time to slow down very often. I am almost always going, thinking, doing. Though some days more in my head then others.


I wish I had the power to change lives for the better.
The resources to make anything possible.
And the heart to stick to it.

the crazy's made me do it!

So Monday has just started. I really dislike Monday's. I should put that on my list of things to work on. What are good things about Monday's? I will have to think about it.

Journal Juju-
"We should feel sorrow, but not sink under its oppression." Confucius.

To me this is an obvious quote in it's meaning, as someone who has delt with depression in many different forms over the years it can overtake you and submerse your in a haze of darkness if you let it. It can colour your ever choice and view. I guess the key is not to let it get that bad.

I am enjoying the fall rain right now. Reminds me of a good Oregon day.

I'm with Marshmallow.....

Today I am fairly certain I've lost my mind once again! But in a good way! I can laugh about it!

So I was trying to find a lid to a sippy cup in the upper cabinet which is the hidden location of the mini colored marshmallows! So they all come tumbling down on me and I am swarmed by the little marshmallow monsters! They gobble up the poor fallen marshmallow heroes by the handful! Yelling "MARSHMALGrummblegrummblegrummblefullmouthLLLOOOOOOOWSSSSSS!" Now I have two very happy hyper monsters on my hands. I think they should dress up as Marshmallows for Halloween. Can't you see it now.... Rainbow wig on, big puffy outfits, and written on their shirts, I'm with Marshmallow and an arrow pointing to the other!

So anyways! It's been a while since I've written, I am going to try to do better at that.

Today's Toast of the day!
Here's to feeling like 'a wet seed wild in the hot blind earth.' (William Faulkner)

It's the day William Faulkner was born! (In 1897)

It's also Barbra Walters Birthday too! (Born 1931)

Journal Juju:
Barbara Walters said, "To feel valued, to know, even if only once in a while, that you can do a job well is an absolutely marvelous feeling." I am trying to recall times in which I have felt or feel valued. Being a stay at home mom I have to admit that there is usually more times then not that I don't feel valued. At least compared to when I was working full time. My check made me feel valued every month, my co-workers made me feel valued. I really liked to make people smile. I was always the one bringing in cookies or treats for the guys (And girls if there had been any!). I feel valued when I do something I can see makes a difference to the people around me. When I know the hard work I put into my day makes life easier for others. Though I am in a fairly good space at the moment and I feel valued knowing my children can't put socks on their own hands without me! And then I wouldn't have cute-little-one-handed-sock-marshmallow-monsters around me!

I am making a point of trying to be in the moment as much as possible. Which is not always an easy thing to do. But it's like riding a roller-coaster. Be in the moment, breath, and let out a good yell every once and a while.

Today's Name: Semi Friday!

Though it's only Tuesday, Chris has tomorrow off for Canada Day and that means I have a day off for Canada day! It means I get to sleep in, and not be the only one responsible for the kids! Can you tell I am excited about it?

Yesterday was spent dealing with a sick Liam. He ended up running a fever (at it's highest 103.2 f) and tossing his cookies several times. He seems to be better today but that was hectic. Jack is now fighting going down for a nap though he is totally warn out. Some weeks just don't start out the best. I am happy to just have gotten some of my baking done that I wanted to. Used all the sugar which now that I think of it isn't a good thing in some ways. Oh well!

Today's Journal Juju should be based on this: "Don't be afraid to feel as angry or as loving as you can, because when you feel nothing, it's just death." (Lena Horne) I am assigned the mission of letting my feelings amplify and let it out in my journal. I don't know if I am ready to face that. I think I have been feeling a lot of different emotions as of late. Many that circle around figuring out what I want. I mean...when I tell people what I do, it's that I am a stay at home mom. Which yes is wondering and such but then I am asked what will I do when my kids go to school. Like I have any clue?! My mother in law thinks I have a talent for interior design which is nice to hear but not so easy to get into. I used to be good at helping people, I haven't in a long time. Not that it is a bad thing, I put myself out there a little too much sometimes in the past. I am tempted to say -used- to be creative and artistic. I am know I still am in some ways.... I just haven't tapped into it for a while. I feel disconnected. Lately I have been playing Sim's 3. Which I can't say is the best way to escape reality. Lets make up a pretend family (that somehow happens to be how I wish mine was a little more) and then make them do all the things you wish you actually did! Coming back from that can be a downer. I know I get caught up in the daily grind of things. That the house overwhelms me some days, the cleaning, the cooking if I do it, the bills, the kids, the toys, the expectations. Of course I always ask myself where the expectations come from. That I can't always tell. Is it just what I think people expect of me or is it actually what people expect from me? The always internal question of "Am I enough?".

As I get to the end of June in my handy dandy book of ideas and insights into life... I come across this...

It's halfway though the year, take a moment to reflect and answer these questions.

What were your highlights?
Having my Mom and Sister visit. My family doesn't come this way very often. It's nice to have them see how I live.

What things are you glad you did?
Glad we re-did the kitchen, glad I got my drivers licence...

What worked for you?
Don't know per say...

What small moments brought you delight?
Anything with the kids. Them playing so well together, smiling, getting their teeth (Jack mostly since Liam has his).

What made you laugh?
Liam and Jack tend to make me laugh a lot. Chris too.


Who did you connect with?
Jaimie and girls of the women's group. I think that has been the best thing to happen to me so far this year. I enjoy spending time with all of them. It has brought me great pleasure and unexpected benefits.

Where did you leave your glasses?
The reading ones who knows! I know where my beautiful new sassy glasses are though!

And these questions are for the rest of the year:
In what small way can I pay attention to small delights?
Maybe it's not small, but to try to be more active in the moment. I disconnect sometimes.

How can I be a little kinder to myself?
I need to work on this... how is another question.

Can I give myself permission to have more fun and less pressure?
I hope I can.

How can I remember to sing in the shower?
I already do some days.

Name Today: I got the morning and afternoon off today!

A friend of mine took Liam to Chuck-e-Cheese today! And Jack is down for a nap! I get the morning in quiet time! And Chris gets off work at 2 today and should be home by 3. It is so nice to know today is Friday and the house isn't horrible.

Quote:
From birth, man carries the weight of gravity on his shoulders. He is bolted to earth. But man has only to sink beneath the surface and he is free. -Jacques Cousteau

Juju:
Cousteau said, "A lot of people attack the sea, I make love to it." I love the sea. Many of my childhood memories revolve around the sea. I was born in California and remember trips to the marina near my grandmothers house. We would ride the merry go round and get fruit sliced candy. We moved then to Oregon, to a small dairy town on the coast. I remember the beaches and drives up and down the coast line. I remember a Chinese restaurant near a bend in the road with the best egg noddle soup. I remember a story about a town that existed a long time ago that washed into the ocean. Taken back as some say. I also remember the trips to Hawaii. The smell of the salt, the warmth, the smell of honey suckle in the air. The way the water felt. So warm. My first visit to the Atlantic ocean. I was with my Dad, visiting where he grew up. It is very special to me. The waves always feel like calmness washing over me. I see myself as an old women living in a farm house near the sea. Where you can hear it and feel it every day. I think everyone should live that dream.

Today's Name: Eyes Wide Open

Today's Quote:
I shut my eyes in order to see. -Paul Gauguin

Today I got to: Go to the zoo with the kids, and in-laws.

"The best of all possible worlds..." would be colorful for one. Would be like a cool breeze off the water on a warm day. A surprise but a welcome one. It would be opportunities, compassion, the ability to see the differences and being ok with them. Drumming music (African dance beat), warm baked cookies (Mainly the smell filling the space) or even better fresh bread, soft cotton robes, sand under my feet, a fire crackling, the sound of nature (whether that be rain, wind, waves, the birds, or crickets). laughing, smiling, joyous.

I was going to write about somethings that I realised today about my shopping behaviors and such but I am not in that space right now. So maybe tomorrow. I want to be in the space listed above. Jaimie asked what I wanted for my birthday, maybe that.

Today's Name: Cleaning the Soul

Follow your inner moonlight; don't hide the madness. -Allen Ginsberg

Raoul Dufy said, "My eyes were made to erase all that is ugly." When looking at my life I see how I used to be more like that. When I was younger... like thirteen or fourteen I was into some dark stuff. I was depressed, suicidal at times, but a bright person to others. I used to go into a mIRC channel called #Suicide and I was the upbeat one. I could comfort and support others. Others who were deaply damaged and needed a friend. I would always be the one to chear up others and try to help in any way I could. My parents wrote in my senior year book that I should always remember I have the ability to make a difference to people's lives and to never forget that. I think I did for a while. I get caught up with the daily crap that I forget the big picture. Lately I've been overwelmed by the cleaning and cooking (Or lack there of). I feel like it's on me. My kids drive me nuts some days and I know that's ok. But other times it's not. I am a little lost in the sea of things.

Jaimie called me last night and wanted me to know that I am one of her best friends and that she is very glad I am part of her life. I was touched because I don't really have friends. I mean I do. But not close ones. Jaimie I could and would tell anything to. To me she is my best friend. She is an open, adventureous, couragous person, with a huge heart. I hope she see's some of the same qualities in me. Her friendship alone makes me want to stay in the area and not move far away. She's that kind of friend to me.

Both kids are sleeping at the same time...no screaming involved in the mater. The silence is beautiful.

Today's Name: It's only Tuesday... Crap!

(Pictures are of my two boys, Jack on his Birthday and Liam at the zoo last month)

My kids are at a hard passage. Liam my almost three year old is good most the time. However he wants to do more physical things with his younger brother Jack. Jack who just turned one had been fairly grumpy since his shots last week and now wants to climb everything! The dinning room chairs, the coffee table, everything. Then he falls off them or Liam pushes him. Great fun. Thus the title today!

Today's Quote:
Confusion is the welcome mat at the door of creativity. - Michael J. Gelb

Inner Message Potion:
Think- "I'm doing better than I thought."

I wanted to do that before I did the journal which is....
"You're enough..." most days. I want to say every day but I don't feel like that. It totally maters on the day and how I am feeling. Today I moved my collections cabinet to the family room so I could enjoy it. I did laundry so I might have clothes to wear. I fed the kids real meals at the dinning room table. I am going to take a shower before bed. Though my hair will be a huge mess tomorrow. Every day I try to do something productive. Sometimes more then one thing. I miss work sometimes. OK, a lot of the time. I think it would be different if I was paid to do the things I do. There is something about knowing what you are doing helps pay the bills every month or helps with your lifestyle that makes such a difference. So here is to being enough, doing enough, feeling enough... and maybe getting paid for it too?

Today's Name: Mmmm good sleep and fun bowling

Last night I had a great time with my best friend Jai. We went bowling and fell over laughing, literally in her case! I had a really good time and it was needed! We always seem to have such a good time together.

Today's Quote:
Lack of activity destroys the good condition of every human being, while movement and methodical physical exercise save it and preserve it. - Plato

Journal Juju:
What does it mean to "find the breath within the breath" in yoga, meditation, or just in general.
I try to do yoga on a regular basis. I find I am rushed most the time though and don't take the slow movement of breathing. I find I can only really focus on breathing and meditation when I am in nature. I think in a few weeks when I am down at the lake I will try doing yoga outside. With no one watching! It's so hard to find or take the time to exercise as much as I would like. I really want to learn to jog. That sentence doesn't really make the most sense because we all know how to run, or jog. We grow up running and playing. When does it become something we need to learn again? So much stigma comes with trying something new for me sometimes. How I will look, be judged, feel. It stops me from doing it. We will see if it changes.

Last night a brief conversation came up about guilt. Is it a good emotion or reaction to have? I think it is good when you feel guilty for something. In some ways. It is an emotional compass. However there are thing that I feel guilty for which I do not think are productive. About being a good wife or mother, about working or not working, about not doing enough sometimes. I am very judgmental of myself at times.

On another note a wonderful women who I had the honor of meeting several times passed away several weeks ago which is a very sad thing! Her name was Marion Lord and she was a women of grace and humor and wit. She will be greatly missed.

Today's Name: Thank the Gods it's Friday!

Today's Quote(s):
Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth. - John F. Kennedy

Don't let anyone tell you that you have to be a certain way. Be unique. Be what you feel. - Melissa Etheridge

Toast of the Day:
Here's to finding your own unique approach, identity or style.

Journal Juju:
G.K. Chesterton said, "The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost." Three things I would potentially lose...
When I think of things that could be loss I tend to be drawn to people that could be loss more then anything. About my father getting older and having the relationship I want with him. About my brother and sister who I wish I was closer to. About my children and wanting them to be healthy and strong and wonderful people. About my husband who I love and could not imagine a life without. My friends who though I know I am not always the best friend I love each of them and they are rooted in me. Even my in-laws who I could not imagine my life without. I remember a time when I could not stand my brother in law Steve. We just couldn't seem to communicate. I see him now as another rooted part of myself. I would like to think that I love each of these people and that they know that.

Today I get to: Have the afternoon without the kids and to spend some time on myself. Like taking a shower, doing some art, running some errands without them!

Today's Name: Wishing it was Friday but it's only Thursday Day.

Today I get to take Jack to the doctor for his one year appointment. Which involves needles, Yea! And I get to get my prescription filled and get checked out briefly.

Today's Quote:
I think it is impossible to explain faith. It is like trying to explain air, which one cannot do by dividing it into its component parts and labeling them scientifically. It must be breathed to be understood. - Patrick White

Aha-Phrodisiacs:
Tonight my homework is to make a work of art or collage with the same title of Three Uneasy Pieces. I will try to do this and post it here. I need to list 28 possible art work titles. Not that I have to worry about doing them, but I should try to list the names....

1. Interior (The Soul)
2. Exterior (The Body)
3. Structure (The Mind)
4. Yellow House
5. City Streets
6. Barn
7. Water meets the Sun
8. Self Portrait
9. Children s Portrait
10. Why 28?
11. Flowers of Joy
12. Sadness
13. Movement
14. Stillness
15. open
16. Closed
17. Inspire
18. Create
19. Who we are
20. Follow
21. Express
22. Motherhood
23. Wife
24. Expectations
25. My own
26. Transparent
27. Moods
28. Twenty Eight

Journal Juju:
"Filled with faith I...." take each day as it comes. I deal with the kids, with the responsibility, the choices, the love. I take each step as I need to and move forward. You can't move back easily. I try to make the best choices I can. Though sometimes it's hard to know what is right. How can you make a choice when your torn. Every time I visit with my family I want to move back to Salem. I miss them. I wonder what my children miss, what I miss. My family can be dramatic at times. Everyone plays their part and we aren't all in sync yet. I wonder sometimes if that is because I am not there to play mine. Then I see the friends here, the family which I have come to think of as part of my own. I wish there was not 2,000 miles between my families. It makes it very hard to find a way to merge the two. How do you make the choice? How do you have faith? How do you know when you are not where you should be? Will I regret not spending more time with my family? With my aging parents? I want my kids to know them. But then I take away another part of their family by doing so. There is not a right answer. There only is.

I hope I can find inspiration today.

Today's Name: Clean House Day?

Maybe it will be clean house day. When the kids are both sleeping and I can vacuum for the last time today (That would be time number...eight maybe). Good news is that the Blue Jays are winning again finally!

Daily Soul Vitamin:
Those who dwell among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are never alone or weary of life. - Rachel Carson

This quote makes me feel at home with the rain, and makes me want to walk along quiet beaches barefoot. I miss the beach, the wind, and the mountains.

Toast of the Day:
Here's to standing at the edge of the sea feeling the knowledge of the earthly eternal.

Almost every memory I have of feeling truly connected involves the earth. Sitting on a beach, hiking in the woods, camping. My favorite memory is of my last camping trip to Algonquin Park. My in-laws and significant others went on a hiking/canoeing trip. It was wondering. The longest portage (which was over 2 KM) was a hard hike. Harder for those that had canoes on their heads mind you. When I finally reached the end, we zig-zagged our way through a mash, and climbed a large hill. The hill it turned out was an abadonned rail road track. At we reached the top, there was the lake, and the cool wind hit us. Which was a wonderful change from the 90+ degree's and all the sweat dripping off of us. We sat on the bank of sand for a while and just took in the beautiful long lake and suroundings. There is something about that very moment when you realized where you were, and how every part of you felt that I felt connected to everything. I saw the whole picture, I felt it. I really want to go back there.

Today's Name: Strawberry Pancake Day

I made the best Strawberry Pancakes with Whipped Cream for lunch today. It made the whole day better.

Daily Soul Vitamin:
As one gets older one sees many more paths that could be taken. Artist sense within their own work that kind of swelling of possibilities, which may seem a freedom or a confusion. - Jasper Johns
(Sometimes it feels like I only see this when looking back, not looking forward.)

Journal Juju:

"....We're not in Kansas anymore,".... I'm not young in some ways anymore. I'm past the age of being a teen, of being things I once saw myself as. I was a sexy, hot, attractive, women. Not that I am still not some of those things. It's just when I married my husband I was in a place that I was like the sex pot. I was flirty and a sex kitten as it was. I found salvation in my sexuality. When did that stop? Even when I am horny I have to talk myself into having sex. Before I would jump at the chance. I am at an age where I can't be the youngest. I can't be the single girl (Both because I am married and have kids and that I am just not that person). I can't be the freshmen. I've done all my firsts. First Kiss, Sex, Marriage, Kids, House. OK so I haven't taken my first trip abroad. But really that isn't going to happen any time soon.

In terms of places I no longer want to be.... I don't want to be in dept. I don't want the stress of never feeling like enough. I want a life that I can be creative and funny and light heart-ed and I've lost connection with that part of me. That is what I miss the most. My light heart. When did it get so heavy? I haven't painted in months. I haven't done anything artistic in months. I am envious of an artist I recently was introduced to. How nice to have a living made by doing something creative. I was taken aback by my own feelings towards her. She didn't do anything wrong. She just does what I wish I could. Instead of being the inquisitive supportive women I hoped I would be I felt resentment and depression. I think I need some changes.

My Mom and Sister are coming tomorrow! I miss them so much! I can't wait!

Questions....

Life can get so slow sometimes. And yet so fast. I think I realized one of my many hangups or problems is that I don't have a plan, or goal, or direction in some ways. I stay at home with my kids. When they go to school what will I do? Meh? I have no clue. I didn't go to college, didn't have any great career before having kids, didn't have a focus. I am scared to death of the idea of not moving forward but at the same time I think that is just what I am doing.

How do you find your focus and figure out a way to make it happen? How do you find what you love and make it work? When do you find the energy to be that person? That person you see yourself being but aren't yet? Lots of questions but no answers.

Things I love:
Art
Interior Design
History
Architecture
Gardening
Genealogy

Things I don't like:
Warehouses
Everything about my last job
Failing
Not being enough

Any ideas?

Name Today: Beautiful Spring Gardening Day

Today I got to clean up my garden. It is amazing to have a garden that I like and enjoy being in. I hope to make the back yard this as well.

Today was the day Ella Fitzgerald was born. In 1918. She is by far one of my favorite jazz singers.

In honor of Ella Fitzgerald who sang "April in Paris," Here's an April quote:
"Spring has a way of erasing doubt. Violets, come in April, no longer worry that their careers my be over. The grass and the spinster alike toss aside their armor of frost." - Tom Robbins

My Journal Juju for today is what doubts would I like to have erased? What would I write in their place once they ARE erased?

Doubts:
1.) Questioning if I am a good mother and wife.
2.) Questioning if I am enough.
3.) Wondering if I was good at my last job.
4.) Thinking I am not educated enough.

Replacements:
1.) Knowing I do my best everyday (Good or Bad) and that I love my Children and Husband.
2.) Know that I can be enough, I can do enough, and I am full able to make my dreams reality.
3.) Replace with the fact that I was well liked, a good person, and always there for the people around me.
4.) Moving forward and educated myself. Whether it be by going to school, taking a class, or reading a book. And know that I am not below others because I didn't go to college.